Burn Out

There comes a point in a person's life when everything is just too much.

I've felt overwhelmed before, but not this much. Not like this. 

I want to put a gentle and smiling disclaimer to say that this is not a cry for help, and I do not want to be fixed. This blog has been and will continue to be a safe place for me and my thoughts. I know everyone has struggles of many kinds, and this is my personal journey through anxiety and life. I'm learning to be present with the emotions that come, no matter how intense they may be, and accept and love myself through it all. 

Here's a picturesque view of serene waters in Cable Bay, Nelson, New Zealand. 

Lately, it feels like every little thing I do is a mistake, a disappointment—to myself and my unrealistic expectations, to my wonderful clients, to my loving friends and family. It feels like I can't do anything right, and whatever comes out of me is not enough. 

It feels like piles upon piles of to-do-lists and never enough hours in a day. It feels like hours and days speeding through unnoticed. It feels like choking and drowning and trying not to feel this way because maybe I'm just overreacting and this is stupid and get yourself together and just go do some work.

After breakdown #2 of the week (like, not basic oh life sucks drama breakdown—actual losing my shit, throwing things, screaming, crying feeling helpless hopeless and struggling with self-harm and suicidal thoughts drama) I've realised a number of things.

I would like to learn how to express my anger, repressed rage, and negative feelings in a healthier way. No more self-harm and self-hatred. 

When I stopped to think, talk to someone, and when I took in what a good friend told me (hi Nisha) — "Patty, keep in mind that your couples would much rather you be happy and healthy and their photos are late..." — I felt relief. I needed the reminder that the couples I've filmed or photographed are such AMAZING humans who are excited to relive their special day, but also humans who see me as a human being with a normal life. I shouldn't be so hard on myself.  I need to acknowledge that I do work very hard to get it all done excellently, but there's only one of me. 

As cliche as this next one is, it's true.

Success isn't everything. Money too. And not that "I've made it" (cringe) — I seriously believe there's soooo much that I have yet to learn about running a business and being a photographer and filmmaker — but getting lost in all the hustle really exhausted me and made me question why I do the things that I do. What was I after? What is my actual goal for doing so much work? I'm not the type to submit to blogs (I wish I was more organised and determined for this) or join competitions. What society views as success isn't necessarily what I aim for. So, I'm re-evaluating what my priorities are, how I can continue to do this job, and look after myself and my mental health at the same time. 

I realised that being busy all the time meant that I wasn't being PRESENT in my relationships. There was always work to be done. I remember spending the day with my family in Hamilton and I was mostly working on my laptop. When I left that evening, I had this horrible feeling. I don't ever what to visit my family again and just sit there and do work. When I'm spending time with the people I love, I want to be able to truly hear what they're saying and make new memories with them. I am making a conscious decision to be intentional with my time. I will be disciplined and be a normal working human with work hours. I can answer that e-mail tomorrow morning and enjoy an evening resting or having dinner with friends. 

Breakfast views in Gili Trawangan, Indonesia.

Recently,  I was reminded that I have one of the best jobs in the world.

The way I live on the daily: some people only dream of this. I literally work in my pajamas most of the time and control my own schedule. I get to capture moments that people cherish for their whole lifetime. I'm my own boss.

It was a great reminder to be grateful for where I'm at right now. I remember back in 2013 when I was juggling part-time jobs and taking every opportunity to make photography a full-time thing. And two years later, wedding photography and filmmaking (and the faithful Big Guy up there) became the only job I have. And another two years later, I would be traveling the world doing what I love. Imagine that. It was only a dream once. 

I know that there will be moments when I'd want to throw in the towel and give it all up, but that's all that they will be: moments. They may be freaking long moments that turn into days, but a different wave of moments will hit and I will slowly come back to gratitude and appreciation. 

I guess I'm just tired of always having to catch up on work that never ends, and never really truly "living life" in the moment (or that's what it feels like). I want to stop being in my head all the time and worrying. I want to finish editing all the weddings from the past season and take a nice looooong break. With no cameras. Or any editing. Just a couple of books, some sunshine, healthy food, maybe some video games, and a lot of napping. I just want to rest. Basically disappear from the world for a little bit.

But yes, I know. Be thankful for the life I have, I know. I am. I'm just also very exhausted. 

In awe at the sights in Yosemite National Park, June 2017. 

Exhausted?! You say. But she just came back from traveling! Ahh well. You can't explain everything to everybody. Even editing all my travel photos and videos. Man. I wish I had the time and energy for that. 

I just need to rest.

Really rest. Re-ignite the fire and the passion that used to motivate me to wake up and chase after my dreams.