I Don't Know
I wrote this a few months ago, in the middle of summer, with a lot of anxiety and confusion in my heart.
Sometimes, I push myself a bit too hard. Not the healthy kind.
It involves a lot of "should haves" or "look at them" or "not enough" in the mind.
I also realised recently that I don't actually really fully know myself, and like what my mind often says, I thought I should have known by now.
Tonight, I found myself quite hopeless, feeling jealousy and intense sadness. I planned on going to see the sunset because I've been cooped up all day in the editing cave. I was about to put some pants on (as it gets cold at night here still) and I just sat there. On the edge of the bed, crying.
And here I am now, in the middle of April, in the comfort of my parents' dining room as I visit them for Easter, and I am in knots. Inwardly, of course.
Some days can be quite crippling. I get so lost in my head, and I can't seem to function. I'm thinking of too many things. Why do I burden myself with all these problems? Just let them go, I can hear a tiny voice say. But how?
The past couple of months have been a myriad of emotions and events. With balancing running a business, prioritising family and loved ones, exercising and (a lame attempt at) eating healthy, staying financially afloat, keeping up with social things, healing from past traumas, trying to begin a new adventure with this blog, learning new skills like flying a drone or speaking Spanish, who has time to go get a pedicure or have a bubble bath?
Am I prioritising the right things? What am I sacrificing when I'm focusing a lot of my time on work? I guess I'm just taking a step back and looking at where my life is at right now, and what I would like for it to be.
I wasn't as anxious as I was at the end of last year, thank God. I can notice that I love myself a lot more and actually believe that I am enough + I am truly loved. Hopelessness only rears its ugly head once in a while. I think I know myself a little bit better β not too much though.
What I do know for certain is that I am THANKFUL. I have so many things to be thankful for.
I am surrounded by beautiful humans who love me for who I am right nowβmess and all. I am healthy (albeit currently dosed with the flu) and all my limbs work perfectly. I have a stable business that keeps on giving me opportunity upon opportunity to grow and share what love looks like and how I see the world. I have travel plans. I live in a safe environment and I have a roof to sleep under. I can eat more than three times a day if I wanted to (and most often do). New Zealand is my wonderful home.
I could go on for ages. I know I will never tire of gratitude. God is good.
As long as I keep gratitude in the forefront of my heart, mind, soul, and spirit, I believe that I can fight the fear and anxiety and continue this journey of looking after myself.
Taken at one of the weddings I photographed mid-season, 2017. Orewa, New Zealand.
Anyway, I'm off to drown myself in lemon-ginger-honey tea so this flu goes away. A couple more weddings to edit, and then I can finally share even more travel stories from the last few years! x
Much love,
Patty
little one