Positive Patty VS Pandemic Patty
Surprise: I’m not always Positive Patty.
Right now, I’m tired.
I’m Pandemic Patty lol she’s quite all over the show. I know it is healthy to create a schedule and routines during this uncertain time, and yes I still try, although I’m equally tired.
The things I do for work, as well as the passions in my life require connection, embodied movement, and being fully present. May it be shooting weddings, connecting with love, creating art, or teaching yoga. There’s a chasm of disconnect that’s creating exhaustion right smack bang in the middle of my chest.
I am torn between hustle and honour.
Hustle: Say the affirmations and pursue your passion because your purpose is bigger than your bullshit and fears.
And then there’s honouring what’s alive within me (which is not much at the moment, really.)
Honour: I don’t want to suppress the sadness, grief over business lost and the dullness of the mundane, the layer of anxiety that lingers on. Equally, I don’t want to give them power, as I know for a fact that they do pass. I want to acknowledge their existence, sit with them and their messages for this time, and hopefully let them go on their merry way.
I could be doing so much for my businesses, I know. Maybe I just need a wee kick up the arse to get my ass into gear. Some days I have this inspiration. Some days I have discipline and pursue productivity. And then some days I burst into tears while scrambling eggs and just lie on the trampoline waiting for the flowers to bloom and clouds to pass.
What a time… what a time.
Positive Patty has found that morning and evening journaling really helps. Writing down a few things I’m grateful for, scribbling a few ideas on what I am capable of doing for the day, and plotting it on to Google Calendar.
Creating something with my hands — may it be food, watering my plants, tending to the garden, painting, at-home pottery, or shooting have all been energising activities. I also realise I am big on physical tough, so cuddles from Maple have been necessary.
On the days when I feel genuinely low and, dare I say, depressed, I have been in bed, fighting the urge to starve myself, napping a lot, binge watching (hello S03 Sex Education!) and listening to what the soul wants. And really, it's hard. In those moments or days, it was so difficult to find sunshine amongst the bluergh feelings.
And on days when it feels a bit lighter and brighter, I cherish the slow and simple moments. Sunshine with coffee and breakfast, tackling the emails and tasks with energy and focus.
Honestly, I don't think I'm one or the other - Positive/Pandemic - I am both, and everything else that happens in between. There's a myriad of thoughts and feelings and realities that come up — we're in a freaking pandemic after all — and I believe that there is grace for whatever the fuck comes up. So yes, it is both hustling and honouring. I refuse to stay in the darkness, but I will honour its visits. I will encourage myself to honour the habits in order to keep accountable for all the beautiful things my heart wants to create, may it be a new yoga flow, updating the website, writing, or improving my business.
There is space for all of this. I don't have it all figured out, so, I'm just writing my thoughts in the hope that this encourages one other soul. You are not alone. It's a confusing time. It's tiring. I just want to sit in Lilian and eat burrata and oysters and have gin with the girls. Or have wine at the flat. Or go to circus or SALA. I want to pat dogs on the street. And also it's been lovely to slow down and journal and not have any expectations on myself. It's all of these things, and more.
