Beauty in the Liminal Spaces

This morning I wrote in my morning pages:

I want to lean in to all of the feelings that come up and give them space to be — to uncover the beauty there is in shame, fear, discomfort, conflict. Allowing them to be — allow them free — there is no judgment, there is no pressure.

What an idea, that there is beauty in shame, fear, discomfort; beauty in all the liminal spaces.

My therapist reminded me about Friends, the TV show, and how they are all unapologetically themselves. It's been lingering in the background of my mind lately. Perhaps that's why I've been exhausted. Yes, there's lockdown fatigue, and managing the uncertainty that surrounds this pandemic. And then, there's been this undercurrent of perennial striving. An expectation I place upon myself, seemingly a heavy burden on my shoulders, to be perfect, to have-it-all-together all the time. I joke about my love for all things aesthetic AF (one peek into my bedroom and you'll understand), but when do I figuratively take my bra off and just allow myself to BE? I'm not saying stop cleaning, stop showing up as your highest self, stop putting effort. I think I'm playing around with the idea that I don't have to have it all together. That I don't have to reach for approval or admiration (from who, anyway?).

I can soften my shoulders and show up as my authentic self — no filter, no makeup, a bit of mess here and there — and discover the beauty in what I perceive as imperfections. I'm learning to shift my perspective on what I would normally see as "negative" (I don't really like this label) or destructive (fun fact: I used to view anger as destructive, and I am learning that there can actually be healthy ways to approach anger and communicate this in a constructive manner).

I'm learning to simply allow myself to be present in the moment, whatever may come up, and listen to its message. Perhaps shame or fear or conflict have important messages for me, or perhaps they are visiting once more so I don't find them as threatening as I used to. I believe I am learning to find safety in the in-between moments and feelings, rather than rush in towards the extremes of Overjoyed-"everything is wonderful"-Patty VS Broken-"I am an absolute mess and unworthy"-Patty.

So much of this is a work in progress, and I think that’s part of the beauty. Each day provides its own light, its own lesson. One step at a time.