Let's Be Honest
Disclaimer: I am happy in my relationship, and we are all imperfect beings. I have struggled with and am struggling with anxiety, but I am simply making observations and sharing some thoughts in a safe space.
I want to be 100% honest about anxiety for a second.
Sometimes, I find it absolutely amazing how other people are so confident in their relationships. And I’m so jealous. I want to be like that.
Let me elaborate.
It began two years ago. For an entire year, I was trapped in a mindset in my previous relationship that faithfulness is not what I thought it was, and I saw it happen countless times. I always thought I would be someone who trusts completely.
Once people break that trust, it’s so difficult to get back. I was a hopeful human, and gave multiple chances. For forgiveness, for honesty, for plain old respect. Unfortunately, time and time again, I felt betrayed and was blatantly lied to.
Without going into more detail, I guess what I’m saying is: I developed anxiety and fear over being hurt again and again after placing faith and forgiving the other person. I was always on high alert. I was deathly afraid that I was doing something wrong, which would cause him to hurt me again. I was constantly thinking that I wasn't good enough, that’s it’s all my fault, and that’s why others seem so enticing.
Or maybe I was too boring.
Maybe I deserved to be treated that way.
Maybe it’s okay because things could change eventually.
Etc etc etc.
An endless blackhole of worry and insecurity formed.
The mind can be quite a horrible place when you’ve been stuck in a cycle for so long. In hindsight, it was all beyond my control. Regardless of my actions, a person will stay faithful or be unfaithful because they choose it.
When I left that relationship, I felt so much lighter. I felt truly free and happy. People around me saw the difference, and I could feel the change inside my soul. There was a literal spring in my step, and I even started dancing in random places — even my car (there have been many witnesses). I swore to myself that I will not be disrespected and hurt like that ever again. I finally know my worth, and I need to be with someone who values me.
A few months later, I met Sam, and as much as I would like to say we lived happily ever after—anxiety still rears its ugly head in our relationship.
Don’t get me wrong, he’s great. He treats me well, has not done anything to disrespect or hurt me (well, there's jiu jitsu and dropping me on the head that one drunken evening hahaha). But seriously, there is no reason to be insecure and anxious with this man. And yet… my mind seems to have grown accustomed to doubt and suspicion, and I fall into a deep spiral of anxiety all over again.
I desperately don’t want anxious thoughts to creep in at random times and create all these bogus scenarios about unrealistic things with insignificant people.
I’m writing this as I’m sober from anxiety. Several weeks ago, it got critically threatening. But it wasn’t just a big hit out of the blue. I knew that I was already making unhealthy, obsessive choices and speculating over people who don’t matter. As much as anxiety is a mental illness, I realise now that I have the power to help myself in the first place.
I’ve disabled my personal Instagram account indefinitely — I’m weakest in this space because it’s so easy to look for people and obsess over them. Even thinking about it now makes me feel uneasy. Oh the lies our mind can make up.
I deactivated Facebook for around a week. I’m back now. I only recently put the app back on my phone too, and I've decided to control the use of it.
I’ve started meditating (via Headspace) and writing daily affirmations and speaking positivity and truth over myself rather than listen to the lies.
I try to do something physical every day, no matter what my schedule is like.
More than anything, I have so much more time on my hands. No more scrolling through and feeling jealous or insecure. I’m writing again, and I’m writing more often. I’m slowly updating my wedding website, and even this little blog.
The thoughts are still there, same goes with anxiety and jealousy and insecurity, and I acknowledge their presence in my life. They’re not the ultimate evil. They’re just part of my story. Instead of telling them off, I’m learning to understand why they visit me ever so often. I’m slowly moving past them, and moving forward. I find that I’m needing some reassurance, some words of affirmation, or some celebration when it gets really bad, but I also want it to come from myself.
I won’t say I’ve finally overcome my anxiety, but I’m practicing great mental health habits and making progress every single day. Mindsets can change, and I believe I’m getting there. I know there will be days where I will slip up, and there will be days when I will drown, but I won’t give up. I will ask for help when I need it. I will keep talking about it. I am thinking more positively and reinforcing truth over my thoughts. I am being gentle with myself. I am looking after my inner world. I am believing in the beauty and joy I have inside me that is so deserving of love. I’m feeling more and more confident every moment.
I’m focusing on love, hope, adventure, and joy. It’s everywhere. It’s in my community, my relationships, and it’s inside me. I am a flickering light in the darkness, and I will keep fighting to stay bright.